No, that's not me in the photo above. Just clearing that up.Summer has arrived and with it the inevitable unveiling of my furry body. I am blessed with what a kid on my son's baseball team termed "The Hair Curse." Yep. Though my skull is currently balding, my hair-to-skin ratio seems to increase annually at an alarming rate. As Drew Carey once wrote - I'll paraphrase - my hair is migrating from my head to my ass.
It's probably been true since I was about 18, but I didn't notice it until I was in my twenties. Like my father before me, I've got a lush, thick coat of hair covering my chest and back. It goes without saying - but I'll say it because this is my friggin' FORUM, that my extremities are likewise luxuriously coated with black, grey, and now the occasional white hair.
This makes me something of a FREAK on the beach, or at the pool.
I think I can recall a time in the 1970's where guys sported body hair and chicks dug it. I was only a kid, but I think that used to be true.
Nowadays, guys are mostly as hairless as the little boys running around playing with sand buckets. I know from what I hear on the radio or read in the papers that men now remove their unwanted body hair because women these days prefer the "no-hair" look. I can't figure out why I'd want to do this simply to conform.
But, I must admit, being hairy is OUT.
Tattoos are cool. Piercings are cool. Body hair aint. This is awesome! Another chance for me to cast myself in the role of the outcast!
Nah. Maybe not.
The hairy guy on the beach is the guy everyone laughs at and says "thank God I'm not like him." Or, and I'm only imagining here, the guys who meticulously shave down their bodies can look nervously around (and reach back to make sure the stubble aint too long) and THEN bust on the hairy guy.
I guess, personally, I don't care.
Oh, I would. If my wife or girlfriends had ever said "you look fine, but you'd look better without that fur, Wolfman" I'd get it removed. I would. Not because I'd feel better about myself but I'd do it to please the S.O. in my life. I'd also do more situps if asked, etc. I guess I like to try to please people and if they complained I'd try to "fix" myself. I think psychiatrists call that "co-dependency" but - and I'm being honest here- I'd want my S.O. to listen to me if I thought something similar.
But I'm 38 years old, my wife's known me for over 20 years and has never asked me (directly or indirectly) to endure the hair-removal process. At this point, the fact that I'm hairy elicits a resigned sigh to the slings and arrows of Those Who Hate on the Hairy, and an exhaled "whatever." A verbal shrug. I can't get motivated to give a sh*t.
I don't get the "metrosexual" guy. I can't imagine spending all that time grooming and shaping like Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho." I mean, I don't want to appear unhealthy so I exercise. I clip my nails. I shave my face. I shower (!!!!!) But...to properly shave all of my body hair would be an investment in time and razors that I'm not prepared to undertake. I have clothes that range from grubby to nice, but I'm not terribly thoughtful about fashion.
No - I'm not Johhny Tough Guy driving a pickup and hunting small game, either. I think of myself as very unremarkable - a schlub, really. Not the worst-looking guy on God's Earth and not the best.
So, if you happen to bump into me at the pool and I shed on you, I humbly apologize -I mean no offense. Or, if you see me at the beach, give a howl. When I get to surf I pull on a rash shirt, so that'll spare you the horror. Or, if I can ever learn to surf worth a damn, pull out that camera and snap a photo of me riding...then sell it to Weekly World News as :
SASQUATCH SURFS!
It's cool by me, maybe you'll make some cash off the picture.
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