Charlie and Me

Here's the man, himself, from the somewhat successful movie "Major League." I saw this movie on April 14, 1989, with the lady I'd eventually marry and have 4 children with. Yet, I digress.

You know how some people you meet will compare you to a Hollywood actor? They do, I don't know why. Some people seem to have a pathological need to place everyday faces with famous ones. Over my brief "dating" life I've been told that I looked like Tom Cruise, or the late Christopher Reeves of Superman fame. But, more than any other actor, I was likened to Charlie Sheen.

Well, let's clarify, when I was YOUNG I was told I looked like him. Clearly, his genetics held up (what with his "Tiger blood" keeping him young-looking and sober), whilst mine are succumbing to Conrad's "flabby devils". It's like I'm the State of Wisconsin and my cells have decided to go on strike. "No more hair, at least on his head! That'll teach him. And...SLOW HIS METABOLISM! STAT!"

Well, this was all the late 1980's, when Charlie was making good movies like "Platoon" and "Wall Street." He was a REAL actor back then, I think he'd done a few clunkers but got his big break with Oliver Stone, doing well-produced dramas. And then.... "Major League" represented his turn towards comedy and descent into....eventually....TV sitcom-land.

So it was that on April 14, 1989 I was set up on a blind date with a gal who I was told needed a prom date. We end up sitting in a crowded theater (where she worked, so we got in for free) watching an OK baseball-related comedy starring Charlie Sheen. She and I hit it off, the rest is boring history. I went on to live what's been a fairly steady, troll-like life in Loserville while Charlie's gone on to bigger and better things, right?

I'll admit, I've never watched his TV show. Or anything he's been in since "Major League." And so today I see him on TV with his "goddesses" and sounding like a deranged man hell-bent on being homeless, addled, and eventually alone. That is, I suppose, the only kind of ending his sad story can have at this point.

What's with those girls? They looked like they were BARELY 20, not all that great-looking, and he's leering at the cameras like a lecherous old vampire from the old Hammer Studios horror films. Yup, Chuck, I 'll bet they're there because you turn 'em on. Good luck with that. Why am I so sure they'll be on TV again real soon?

No one would compare me with him today. First off, I'm too fat and too bald. And my bank account is not flush with cash from any $2 million per episode TV gig...though I'm guessing his account is a little light right now, too (dealers enjoy getting paid). I don't get to live in a posh section of L.A. (OK I'm jealous of this, I admit) but then again I get to see my kids without having to worry over a court-ordered visitation schedule. Stories like his make me wonder what's so difficult about fame. What is it that makes so many of these famous people wander off the reservation? Perhaps it's only comprehensible if you live it.

He needs a smack in the face. Maybe two. Strung out actors are old news. So are dead ones.