One of our highlights for midnight on New Year's Eve is (nowadays) to watch Dick Clark try and count down to the arrival of the New Year. Yes, I admit this is mean-spirited. My only defense is that the smart folks at ABC keep letting him trot out into this public forum and give him this airtime every year since his unfortunate stroke.
I wish he'd never had his stroke, OK? But, since he did, why's he up there doing the countdown?
So, he's there and he's entertaining. He did much better this year than last, when he left out a number or two - perhaps his condition is improving.
In the midst of this chaos is - in addition to Dick- the vapid Ryan Seacrest and the Very Frighteningly Scary Jenny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy is, I'm guessing, about my age. She's very pretty, but there's something about her big, phosphorescently white choppers on a 52-inch plasma that make me think she resembles a shark about to feast. Yikes! Add that to her rather aggressive chatter about finding a man to kiss and.....idunno, maybe I'm just getting to be an old codger. She's freaky.
Our buddy Ryan, meanwhile, is the Great and Terrible Vulture Who is Waiting for Dick to Kick the Bucket (his official title). All propriety would suggest that Ryan Seacrest not lick his vulture's beak so hungrily and publicly whilst Mr. Clark is still very much alive. But alas, in Hollywood, propriety is for Losers. He wants that New Year's Eve gig for the next 50 seasons.
So, just before kickin' it to Dick, Ryan's standing with some old boy bands and the slutty new "it" gal, Ke$ha (who's resplendent in sunglasses at midnight, blue lipstick and some outfit built for sin, I'm sure). Ke$ha pulls the quote of the night, after Seacrest asks everyone their wishes for the New Year she says "not to be a douchebag". Which was awesome, as she's speaking to America's best-known douchebag.
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Speaking of douchebags, there's a bunch of them yelling about the dead birds and fish in Louisiana and Arkansas- and how it is yet another signal that the End of Days is here. What's with you Southerners? Is EVERYTHING the wrath of the Most Holy and Most Pissed Off God? Do you not actually read the good book? Or hear the words, "you know not the hour or the day"?
I'm guessing that folks understand the power of fear, and are using it to attract followers. If you're keeping score at home (and I do, sometimes) the signs are: 1) the Iraq war; 2) election of a black man as President; 3) dead birds; and 4) everything else I'm forgetting.
Look, folks, God never wrote a date down. Men did. That's the whole point. And the guys who keep getting this stuff wrong? [1984? 2000? Apparently the Apocalypse is moveable] They're douchebags. Believe 'em if you want, or be cool.
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Today there's a big stink in DC about the Reading of the Constitution. Oh, wow! What a watershed moment in America's history. A rather long, dry document will be read out loud to those who care to listen. This apparently energizes the teabaggers, who love the Constitution when it's interpreted in a manner they see fit (to hell with those who see it differently, eh?)
Let me save y'all some trouble, as I had to read it in law school: it's a document that establishes a Federal Government by ennumerating its' powers, describes how we elect politicians (in all forms) and sets up a judiciary to settle our inevitable disputes.
That's it. No manna from heaven. No divine rights. It's almost as exciting as watching paint dry. In fact, paint dries quicker.
I understand the intent, I truly do. But the US Constitution aint the equivalent of Scripture. It was written some 230 years ago by white male, slave-owning farmers. And it was intended to evolve as the country evolved. Which, we all well know, we have evolved.
Presumably, our newly-elected congressmen are familiar with the Constitution already - unless (God forbid) this is an educational tool for them.
So, to these cynical douchebags, let us raise a toast - your drink of choice- may they govern justly and well so that all of us benefit.
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