Oh, for the love of....week 1 - subsection (b)

Yeah, I'm using all that statutory construction crap they forced upon us in law school. If you're slow to learn, Week 1 subsection (a) would've been the Thursday night game, yesterday was (b), and so forth.

A couple years ago I was diagnosed with severe allergies to all kinds of stuff. Dogs (I have 2), molds, some grasses, and - best of all - house dust. Explain to me, exactly, how one avoids dust.

Why is this relevant? I've spent nearly 10 days fighting off some kind of cold/viral thing that has bloomed into some kind of an infection. This allowed me plenty of couch time yesterday to watch football.

Only gonna blog on the games I actually watched, and even then I won't be particularly compelling. Saw the Pats-Bengals game and I think Tom Brady's putting some good heat on his passes. He looks far better than he did a year ago, and it was cool to see Welker back in action at full speed after his scary injury. The Patriot D looked serviceable until late in the game when the Bengals made a decent comeback run that fell short. But, by then, the game was pretty damned close to out of reach.

The Bengals.....what the hell? Good QB and receivers. Decent runner. I don't get all the offensive futility. As for the Cincinnati D, what gives? These guys play in the AFC North with the Rapists and Ravens...they'd better get their crap together.

Speaking of the Pittsburgh Rapists, I got to see the end of the game vs. Atlanta....lucky break in OT. Karma's a bitch, you'll see. Who wants their Fathead?

Clocked some time with Philly-Green Bay, ugh. Not a good first half to watch. So, I switched to "Out of Africa" which was a great book but only an OK movie when compared to the book (Meryl Streep, Robert Redford, and the Ngong Hills....I'm not gay). The second half was exciting, Aaron Rogers showed up and played a decent half, Mike Vick was accused of mistreating Philadelphia fans by dangling a win in front of them....and then screwed the pooch by being Michael Vick. Woof woof.

Carol made these great grilled cheese sandwiches and served up the tomato soup I'd brewed up from all the tomatoes in our garden (I make pretty good tomato soup).

Then it was time for the Main Event....

I dig "Football Night in America." Pretty good hour plus of highlights and analysis, and I'm glad they've pared down the on-air crew. I like Bob Costas, sue me. In that hour, I saw how the Lions wuz rooooobbbbbed. That was a catch. I like how Tony Dungy illustrated this by way of a replay from last season's Super Bowl, where a 2-point conversion was deemed a catch. Poor Detroit.

THIS is why I'm a crappy fan. Sympathy. I love the Patriots and was cheering them on during the earlier game vs. Cincinnati....but at some point I was watching the Bengals struggle and I thought "Oh, those poor Bengal fans...think about it, little Billy or Bettie hoping beyond all reason that their Bengals will win this game...."

Is that weakness? I suppose it's pathetic. I won't apologize for not being The Tin Man. I gots a heart.

Likewise, I felt for Detroit fans. That call sucked. And Stafford was knocked out. Damn.

SO, Skins-Cowgirls with the great McNabb-Tony Homo faceoff. Man, the Cowboys started that game running well and Miles Austin is pretty damned good at receiver. Collinsworth is gushing about Austin's lower body strength whilst the NBC cameras are focusing----pruriently I must point out-----on the man's ass. I'm not a marketing guy and have no expertise in the matter, but I doubt the NFL's main demographic is "men who enjoy looking at another man's strong lower body while hearing a former NFL athlete wax euphoric over the look of aforementioned athlete's lower body."

Look, I don't know Collinsworth from Cornwallis, but this isn't the first time he's gushed like this on national TV. It's weird, OK? Yeah, Miles Austin is strong. I'm pretty sure of this. And he fills out his spandex waaaay better than me. I'm cool with this, too - I suffer few delusions. But I found that verbal digression weird, bordering on bizarre.

Are you like me? Do you laugh out loud when they talk about "running up the a-hole?" Funny, right?

Back to the game. The new Redskins Offense was up against a very good Dallas D, and they performed fairly poor. BUT, zero turnovers...a point worth noting. Dallas usually beats the Skins in these weird games, and this time it looked no different. When Hall returned the fumble for a TD at the half I allowed myself a glimmer...which faded after the 2 missed TD catches and the missed FG. It was like...."DEFLATE BALLOON, GET READY FOR NEXT YEAR, BOB."

The skins D played well, however. Even so...why did Dallas abandon the run? It was kind of working for them. More weirdness.

Of course, we all know the result... Oh, happy day, mighty Dallas fell. They won't be 19-0 this season. No surprises there, I guess. But what's this? Sympathy for the devil? I actually felt bad...Romo made that throw to Williams..felt bad for Barron, who was being picked on, poor dude (I've had worse days)...... the refs won that game for ole DC.

It was exactly the kind of game the Redskins have been finding ways to lose for 17 seasons. Yeah, I'm realistic...Dallas should've won. But, I'm a fan, Hail to the Redskins!

This too passed

Some years ago I ham-handedly attempted to engage a dear friend in conversation about September 11th, kind of a "where were you that day?" kind of question. Her reply was silence. At first, it struck me as odd, because I just kind of fill the air with noise when I get talking and probably overshare what's going on in my cranium. That, really, was that - end of that thread of the conversation.

But it demonstrates how people can deal with that kind of trauma in a public way (eulogies, life-affirming exercises, etc) and an intensely private way. So it is with all such things, I suppose.

Well, over the years I've heard several 9-11 stories. Two former classmates of mine worked in the WTC and were late to work that morning, thus escaping calamity. For me, that's as close to the tragedy as I ever got - and it's remote at that. Of course, I've also heard the stories of men and women who volunteered their lives for a military career, the stories of the brave men and women who risked all they had to help saves lives, and the (to my eyes and ears) extraordinary bravery of the everyday people on Flight 93 over Shanksburg, Pennsylvania, who made damned sure the terrorist bastards didn't blow up another building full of people.

My story is simple, and probably trite. But it's mine. There's no bravery or anything exceptional in it.

Nine years later and this morning the sky is high and blue, it feels like God's turned on the A/C unit and the air is clean and dry. Feels just like it did that morning.

I was a defense lawyer working with my dad's firm, and business was picking up. I'd attracted a few good cases and money was trickling in - perhaps slower than I'd have liked but it was coming in nonetheless.

I still recall the client's name, up in Washington County, Maryland, a guy with a bunch of misdemeanor charges pertaining to varied alleged traffic offenses. I was bouncing on my toes while waiting to talk to the prosecutor, I think it was a little before 8:00 in the morning. Over the next hour I managed to convince her of the glaring weaknesses of her case and by 9am we were strolling out of the courthouse unscathed. I was a big, swinging DEFENSE lawyer who'd gamed the system. I totally rocked.

So I thought. I switched on the radio but was only half-listening as I returned to my office. I checked in with my secretary and bragged a bit about how great it'd gone, I think I might've spoken to another lawyer. I recall hearing Howard Stern say something about an airplane striking one of the 2 towers, but it didn't immediately sound credible - almost a put-on. I switched stations and another DJ mentioned it. From then on, well --- we all lived through it so there's no point in me regurgitating it all.

So, once back to the office, the first thing I'm thinking is that it's another Oklahoma City nutcase intent on taking out Federal offices. I call Carol and beg her to get our 2 kids out of the building (they were in the daycare) and pick up Sarah (kindergarten) and get home. Which, thankfully, she did. I guess, like everyone else, I monitored the news and got the updates when the towers fell and when the plane in Pennsylvania went down. I got a call from a pregnant woman who's husband had just been killed in a rear-end accident near the intersections of Rte 29 and I-95 in Columbia (of course, this meant $$$ to the lawyers). I could not then - nor can I now- comprehend how she managed to survive that period of time in her life.

My recollection thereafter grows foggy with time. I recall things slowly returning to "normal" and how we - as a country - resumed our silly partisan ways. I recall soccer practices, paying bills, dealing with raising 3 kids while both of us were working full-time.

I guess it was later that year, I was stressed out by all the driving and running and The Struggle To Get It All Done....I sat with Carol around Christmas 2001 and said "what are we doing this for?"

I had entered law school after kicking around as a landscaper and teacher. I think I woke up one morning and gave it all the forethought of an A.A. Milne title: "Now I Shall Grow Up and Become a Lawyer." Honestly, I was grasping. I had no idea how to support my budding family on what I was making - and my options appeared limited. I did OK in law school, my career track was there, if I wanted it.

I enjoyed practicing law when I won cases, and liked it alot less when I lost. I think that's human enough. But - above all -I never LOVED it. Some people do, God bless 'em. From that starting point, the rest was simple.

What did I stand for? I had a family, that's a good start - though we hardly seemed like one. We were 5 people in constant motion. There was some anger, resentment, resignation, but above all I think there was frustration with where we were in life and where it looked like we were headed.

So. The Great Conclusory Statement. Change. I worked out a part-time schedule with my firm that would enable me to stay home with the pre-school "twins" (they're 14 months apart) and maintain a modicum of a practice. Probably one of the best decisions of my life. I haven't regretted it since. In part thanks to 9-11, and the reflection it sparked in my head.

And, well, that's my little story.

Without 9-11, there'd be no stay-at-home Dad at this address. I hope God blesses the men and women who lost their lives that day, and continues to bless our country and our world.

Summer's all done

So, my summer officially ended today when I brought all of the surfboards home and started trying to figure out the long list of scheduling obligations that are rapidly filling up our calendar between now and June 2011. That good ole' school calendar wreaks havoc, doesn't it?

And, of course, I've got a summer cold. See? It's always something.

Speaking of "somethings," I've been pleased to see the overhwelming negative reply to the butthead in Florida who wants to burn copies of the Q'ran. I guess the problem was "created" when Gen. Petraeus put his name in the news...but our collective news media took the story and ramped it up.

Now, he got his name in the news and that prompted....well you could almost say that EVERY ONE of our public officials agreed that what this Rev. Whathisname was doing the wrong thing. President Obama, General Petraeus, Republicans, Democrats, Christians, Jews...perhaps through his nutty publicity stunt he's figured out a way to unify America where everyone else had failed.

I guess he helped find the outer edges of the lunatic's fringe. As with everything, we'll find out.

What's with issue and identity politics? I have tended to call myself "Democrat" but would never use that label in the same way I'd say "Redskins fan" or Catholic. In fact, I've voted for Republican Presidential candidates far more than Democrats. I have my opinions on the various issues that candidates give stump speeches on, but feel no need to shout down everyone else who disagrees.

Perhaps the pundits are correct, there's a silent middle in our country who simply stays quiet. I find the political gamesmanship all too counter-intuitive to make much sense. For example, I'm anti-abortion and anti-capital punishment. So....that makes me.....what?? Is there a Party of Confusion? Probably.

The NFL season kicked off last night with....a kinda lousy game between Minnesota and N'Orleans. Tick tock tick tock, Mr. Favre. Next time, try throwing to the guys wearing the same color jerseys as you. Oh, and that vaunted Minnesota D-line? Hmmm...this year they're not juiced. Minnie-ha-ha fans, bend and say R-U-N.

The contrast between opening day baseball and the NFL's opening bacchanal is breathtaking. Baseball's opening day is a beautiful, pastoral and sunny event - if you're truly lucky you get a sun-kissed warm April afternoon with a little pomp and circumstance...even better if your team wins.

The NFL? It's like the Nazis won the war. Product-placement galore, ads ads ads, and strippers, singers dressed like strippers, and announcers yelling at the national TV audience (or radio, I was listening on the road) over the yelling of the crowds. I love football but (as I've mentioned before) am souring on the "NFL experience."

Football games aint pro wrestling - I think that's what I'm saying. And, yes, I know they're called "cheerleaders" and not strippers. Coulda fooled me.

I've been ordered to sit at home and rest this cold. So I watched an old 70's flick by George Romero called "The Crazies." It's about a town that gets quarantined by the Army when a bioweapon virus is accidentally dumped into the town's water supply.

Hold up, wasn't this the plot of a zillion other movies? "28 Days Later" comes to mind. One of many. There are no new ideas anymore....

And, to illustrate the point, they "re-imagined" The Crazies earlier this year. Same damned movie. This is why I refused to buy tickets for The Karate Kid this summer. Life must be an endless loop. Wash, rinse, repeat. A merry-go-round. You'd think that the literary arts would offer respite, but you'd probably be wrong. I would be, too.

Survival of the fittest, with help from medicine

I'll let the readers (assuming there are any) pick out your blogger in the above photo. "Where's Bob?" Fun game, right? It's fun to have fun, yes?

So, over 2 weeks ago my BFU travelled South to Virginia Beach to enjoy the tremendous blessing that is a family beach house. It had been my grandmother's in her lifetime, and is now the sole property of my Dad, who shares it remarkably well for having been an only child.

Good start: the normal 5 hour drive took 12 hours. Uh-oh. We did have a chance to visit our pals The Gaskins of Ashland, Virginia, and they all seem healthy, wealthy, and wise. Hi, Edwin and Amy, and thanks for the chicken salad. This respite from the veritable Hell of Saturday traffic on I-95 was a great morale boost. But still, 12 hours on the road sucks.

I guess most of the 1st week was spent on the beach. We went surfing a few mornings and then swimming in the afternoons. It was a lazy week. Rain chased us up to Williamsburg one afternoon, which was a nice change of scenery. Friday brought more surfing, but somehow my wife bashed her foot up so badly it necessitated an ER trip. There was nothing broken but the bruising was bad.

By the weekend I'd developed an ear infection that took 2 trips to the Patient First clinic down there to clear up. It sucks to get old, I guess, as our kids had no health problems whatsoever.

Since it's a family house, it's always a place that needs work and this trip was no different. I cleaned out alot of old junk (there's still alot more) and got a plumber to fix some long-standing failed Mr. Fixit jobs (the toilet). The coup de grace was my great idea to have the outdoor drain cleared, which went from a 1 hour job to...well, no one knows exactly how many hours....that wasn't a fun day.

My in-laws booked a nearby hotel and visited, which was nice. We went to "Motorworld." Ate soft-serve and caramel corn, and - if you're ever there - the best fish tacos are at the Baja Cantina on 23rd street.

In between all that "stuff" I hope we all de-compressed. It's hard to say, because it seemed like every day had it's drama. One day it'd be injury, then illness, then the plumbing disaster, and EVERY day there was some inane argument about....Lord knows what. But we all survived and are home, tanned, and ready for school to start.

The end of the trip saw us hitting the East Coast Surfing Championships down at 1st street. This has always been a pretty cool event, but this year it was re-named (with a corporate name I won't bother printing here) and they'd set up about 50 booths for free giveaways.

This led to a throng, a massive, sweaty throng, of teenagers and hoarders descending upon the beach to grab free stuff from companies involved in the surfing "industry" (ie- Roxy, Hurley, etc etc). Of course we went. The crowd was mostly high school kids and the lines were long, hot, and somewhat unruly. Bikini-clad girls were getting logos stamped or spray-painted on their bodies. Everywhere you looked there were "cool" corporate logos, and tricked-out company reps passing out stickers and swag.

It seemed like something of a joke, these girls lining up to get corporate logos pasted on their bodies. No sillier than planting stickers on your truck (like me) guess.

Anyway, we got our free sh*t, too. And I managed to catch a few waves and get 2 whole feet on the board. Yes, I fell fairly soon thereafter (as in "immediatly"), but it was lotsa fun.

More importantly, my kids had a blast out there with me.

And, as we slide back into the routine back home, I think all of us enjoyed the hell out of our trip

NFL and no fun

Tomorrow is the first pre-season game for your (my) Washington Redskins. I've been a huge fan of the 'Skins and football since about 5th grade. I also pull for your New England Patriots. But, like a lot of you, I really enjoy the sport of (American) football and look forward to it about this time every year. Let's face it: I'm 38, married with kids....balding, thickening, and aging....what else is there (besides the inevitable blissful sleep known as death) to look forward to?

Loving football, however, doesn't mean I love everything about it. I don't love the "NFL brand." I don't like theme songs playing all the damned time. I don't like 101 commercials. I don't like pre-game shows that are longer than an hour.

Don't really LOVE the fantasy football thing, it's fun and I partake but it's become such a.....BIG DEAL...that it kinda sucks. Guys take trips to Vegas just to "do" a draft (umm....ok, yeah there's jealousy involved on that count), chicks play it (girls mess up EVERYTHING), and radio DJ's babble endlessly about it. Meh. It's OK but getting lamer all the time.

Kidding aside, I truly dislike the announcers and color guys who call these games on TV. Don't get me wrong, some of them are great (Jaworski clearly knows the sport, but Gruden delivers oral lovin' upon the players...it's embarrassing).

I really hate the warfare metaphors and similes. Folks, I'm climbing on the soapbox. We send boys to foreign lands to fight wars. Those kids face death and madness every day. And yet, ALL of our elected leaders would allow us (and encourage us) to ignore all that - sacrifice nothing - and worry over Fat Albert Hayneworth's conditioning ("see what condition my condition's iiiiin") problems or Lindsay "milk-a-what?" Lohan's problems. I think they like us nice and placid, ignoring the horrors out there. We could have war bonds, a draft, etc etc etc.

Hell, these "gridiron gladiators" should be cutting a nice 50% of their take home pay and giving it to the poor kids who're coming home in pieces - mentally or physically. This country - you and me- we chew these kids up and spit them out, then get new ones to chew.

OK, I think the NFL can do that to kids too. It's a dangerous game and there are too many kids who go for the bucks and glory and don't make it. But they're not coming home without arms or legs, or with a head full of scrambled eggs.

Ahem. Climbing off the self-righteous soapbox now. Sermon over. Moving on, it's vacation time and that means 2 weeks of sun and surf. [and perhaps this is what we all truly do, when one's family is blessed not to have a member overseas in some wretched part of the world risking life and limb, we all just accept it and try our best to move forward, keep living]

Before I go on that great trip, and before my 'Skins play a game, here's my 1st ever NFL prognostications for 2010-11. I base this on very little knowledge and very much Gut.

NFC East:

1- Dallas: it pains me. Yeah, they look to be the best team in the division.

2-NY Giants: could surprise the Cowboys, but probably not.

3-Washington: I think McNabb has some left in the tank, and the defense might be really good. But it's probably 18 years without a title and counting. Even if I'm wrong, they'll be better than last year.

4- Philly: MAYBE. They could be 3rd if DC goes belly-up like usual.

NFC North:

1-Green Bay: yup, Aaron Rogers.

2-Minnesota: nope, no Favre

3- Chicago: a better season than 2009-10, but they overpaid in free agency.

4- Detroit: I really would like to see the Lions have a GREAT season. Not yet.

NFC South

1- Saints. Period. But could hit that post-champ malaise

2-Falcons: they'll challenge New Orleans this year, Mattie Ryan rebounds a little from last year.

3-Carolina: running in a passing league....nope

4- Tampa: whatever.

NFC West

1-San Francisco: If Alex Smith can complete a few passes, Gore can run and the D is improved.

2-Arizona: maybe. If Leinart comes in and plays well.

3-St. Louis: they will improve

4- Seattle: not this year.

AFC East

1-Jets: Another painful pick. I love me them Patriots, but the Jets look pretty loaded.

2-Pats: a shaky end to last season inspires some god-darned greatness

3-Dolphins: soon.

4- Bills: good for little more than snow games

AFC North

1-Baltimore: the Ravens have been doing good things for 11 years. Same this year.

2-Cincinnati: they weren't a total fluke last year, might challenge for a division title

3-Pittsburgh: rapist QB = A lost season in Pittsburgh. Ben will play well when he's on the field.

4-Cleveland: I pull for the Browns, like I do the Lions....why not?

AFC South

1-Tennessee: my big upset pick. Vince Young shows up to play and a solid team takes a division

2- Colts: don't like Messr. Manning. Hope I'm right

3-Texans: Maybe. Good QB and WR, but....

4-Jaguars: Hi, we're the London Jags, sod off!

AFC West

1-Denver: When San Diego slips, as they're gonna, the Broncos are ready

2- Chargers: before pride cometh the fall

3-Chiefs: improved but still bad

4-Raiders: for the sake of their fans, hopefully they improve. Campbell isn't a bad start.

That's it. I won't attempt to break down records and stuff. I think we'll see Dallas and Green Bay play for the NFC title and then Baltimore and the Jets play in the AFC.

Or, I'm completely wrong and know nothing and am therefore dumber than a block of wood. Who cares? It'll be fun to watch.

More than is to be meeting the eye

OK, this'll be a complete and totally geeky entry...

I guess around 6th or 7th grade a kid named Cooper who played 2nd base on my baseball team had an awesome looking toy car that transformed into a robot. I recall the toys way before I ever saw the show. I was waaay too old to be hanging around playing with toys but for whatever reason (interactivity, coolness, arrested development) I got into it. I think my kid brother brought home one that was a red Lamborghini, and it also helped that one of my second cousins about my age bought some, too. Anyway, I was a Transformers fan, despite being 11 or 12 years old (and older, I'll admit).

Of course, lots of us recall the show. I got into it. I really did. The great leader Optimus Prime who talked like John Wayne and his loyal noble Autobot followers juxtaposed with the malevolently brilliant Megatron and the power-mad Decepticons.... plus cool theme songs and all that Japanimation. Again, they all changed into cool cars or jets or (for a time) guns. Every episode consisted of both factions at their secret base planning stuff....fights ensue wherein miraculously NO ONE AND NOTHING is killed or seriously injured...and the show ended with some character making a "joke" and everyone laughs....end scene.

It was something I never would talk about at school, my classmates seemed to have moved away from childish pleasures and were interested in girls and looking cool for their benefit. I had this huge crush on the aforementioned Cooper's older sister - it was, like most of my crushes - unspoken --- but I suppose it was a way to connect with my younger siblings and (I'm guessing here) indulge the kid in me that didn't want to grow up. I watched it just about every day with them (and the other junk that was on-air: GI Joe, Thundercats, whatever) and at the time I thought it was ....really cool. Anti-climactic I know.

I recall hanging with the show (and to an extent the toys) till I got my first job. Something about working 10 - 12 hours in the summer heat left me uninterested with kids' toys. Oh, and I guess it also helped that I fell into a relationship with a young lady and my attentions were drawn elsewhere. Yeah, I know they'd made a movie at some point, but I didn't go see it.

I only had a few, and the few I had I kept. No real reason. Perhaps I liked the cars, still. In any case they sat at my mom and dad's house for a decade and then-some. As we know these days, the Transformers franchise is a money-printing endeavor. The movies, the toys, the games, some decent comics, Megan Fox, blah blah blah.

Hooray for Hasbro. Really, bravo. The movies were OK. Not great, kinda awful in spots, and I didn't care for the fact that the robots were practically indistinguishable. (yes, I know how dumb I sound).

But along the way, my kids picked up the old toys I had and read the old comics and (now) are playing the latest game and watch DVDs of the old show and...well.....it's kinda cool. I'm not exactly sure why.

Just today, my sons (10 and 4) are sitting on our floor playing with toys my brothers and I had nearly 25 years ago. Of course, they've also got some of the newer versions of the old stuff but by my count there's something like 10 "old hands" that were there when I was a grade-schooler. I'm not exactly sure why that's cool. Perhaps it's akin to the closing of Toy Story 3, where the older kid realizes his stuff is in good hands and he's happy to see that his childhood possessions are going to be played with all over again with young imaginations.

And, I guess that's what it evokes, watching my 4-year old son push a tractor-trailer around on the floor and (loudly) stating "roll out"). Sometimes history repeats itself.

If I wasn't a bastard, I'd think about tearing up.

Cannibalism, and the Prison-based model, Rehabilitation or Retribution?

As better bloggers than myself have written, "what the hell is Grimace?" See, for example, the guy at popcultureaddict.com.

I, as others before, have pondered that question and was doing so yesterday while sipping a cool Pepsi from an old McDonaldland glass -- with Grimace on it. You know Grimace, right? Big purple....thing. Perhaps it was the heat of the day baking my brains, or the lead in the old drinking glass taking affect, or brain cancer....or simply the by-product of an idle mind. Grimace graces a couple glasses and I have a bobblehead of him in my kitchen. Me am dumb, I know.

OK, I looked it up.

When I was a kid and watched TV McDonald's had their great ad campaigns for kids featuring McDonaldland, and Grimace was Ronald's purple pal, a kind of pear-shaped purple thing-a-ma-jiggie who liked to waddle around with a shake and would talk like Lenny from "Of Mice an Men", like "duuuuuh, McDonald's is good." He was purple, loveable, and harmless.

[As an aside, I realize why Mickey D's lost Grimace over time, as more and more of us are starting to LOOK like Grimace it's less of a happy cartoon and more of a true-life story. That, and of course the McDonaldland commercials were whacked. Why would Mayor McCheese eat a burger? ]

But, like everything comfortable in life (and Grimace does indeed look comfortable) there was a dark past I knew nothing about. {I got all this from popcultureaddict and Wikipedia, not exactly Black's Law Dictionary} Grimace was conceived as a character who would push the wonderful line of McDonald's shakes. In doing so, he was a villain who would steal all the shakes and sodas at McDonalds and thus ruin all of the kids' fun. Go ahead, hit YouTube and type in a search for Evil Grimace. It's bad video, as it's old. He had 6 arms and talked like a simpleton, but he was an evil kleptomaniac who destroyed children's enjoyment of fast food by stealing their sodas - which he'd take back to his cave.

Some time later, 4 arms were removed and the "evil" moniker was lost in favor of just plain old happy and dumb Grimace. Was it- as some suggest- a lobotomy and multiple limb amputation? Perhaps. Or - my favorite theory - some weird Taliban/McDonald's behavioral torture ("I'll take one of your 6 arms off if you don't quit stealing shakes you fat purple f&ck!" Grimace holds out, like Jack Bauer, but finally is "rehabilitated."). Or...as is most likely, he's the result of some lawsuit between McDonald's and the Kroft brothers, and McDonald's lost.

Whatever the case, Grimace was never evil again. He became GOOD.

I like to think that in this case, the system worked, and that people, even purple blobs, can be rehabilitated. Sure, he had 6 arms and liked shakes....who doesn't like shakes? Maybe he re-assimilated the other 4 arms when he realized that he didn't need so many arms to steal them with. One morning, Grimace woke up and looked in the mirror and saw a former milkshake thief and said, out loud, "I'll never steal again." He took it a day at a time, and effectuated true change. It's easy to scoff. We tend to like to lock our problems away and produce large labels in large letters to BRAND people with. Yet, we talk out of both sides of our mouths. A six-month sentence, a 6 year sentence, or six life sentences - when you come out on the other side you're considered a CRIMINAL. Yeah, there are some people who won't hire you or talk with you. It's uncomfortable I guess.

I've seen it, I was a lawyer and did some criminal practice. People are treated like they've got a disease, like lepers.

The truth is that most ex-cons made (like all of us) some pretty bad decisions that landed them in prison. Some of us might not have made the same bad decisions, and some of us are just lucky to have never been put in the position to have to make those bad decisions in the first place. It's not just brains, or breeding. Sometimes it's only a matter of stupid-ass luck.

But, after the sentences are served and the halfway houses completed, the guys and gals who look themselves in the mirror and reconcile who they want to be with who they are -they seem to do OK. Our country spends alot of time and money putting people in jail, with the hopes that time in prison will "fix" the person's problem. And, as has been widely reported - our system fails miserably, with recidivism rates that are larger than anyone would like to see or believe to be true.

As usual, in the end, I'm a softy. I want to believe people can be redeemed and rehabilitated. I do indeed believe in second and third and fourth chances for anyone and everyone. Call me pretentious or naiive or just plain dumb.

Duuuuuhhh.....I like milkshakes too!