Not the worst way to spend a rainy day

I have 4 kids. You may or may not know this.

This, not unexpectedly, requires me to attempt to fulfill all of their 1,000,001 desires (I had to adjust 1, 001 for inflation- thank you Jimmy Carter). One of the guises these desires manifest themselves is motion picture films.

I've been forced to watch some of them many many many many times.

These are mostly odious dreck. Crap you've seen before. Even when rendered beautifully, the story can be nothing more than yet another re-tread (I'm looking at you, "Lion King"). The worst offenders, of late, are the CGI junk like "Shrek," wherein according to the formula there are jokes for parents and kids, and a nice little ditty tossed in at the end (see, "I'm a Believer" at the end of Shrek, or "Don't go Breakin' my heart" at the end of Chicken Little).

Formula sucks, in all its.....forms.

So, OK. You see my point - though it's been inartfully made.

Every now and then, though, life surprises you.

It's called "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" and is a rare gem of a flick. It's ostensibly the story of intrepid inventor and town-doofus Flint Lockwood, who wants to be a rock-star scientist. He has the lab coat, a secret lab, and daddy issues. He lives in a town called Swallow Falls, famous for its' sardines. Except sardines suck.

Hilarity ensues. Boy meets girl. Boy encounters conflict. Resolutions are found. According to the formula.

Well, no. This is one that works.

Perhaps casting Mr. T. as the town's cop is the trick. Or the voice-cast of Saturday Night Live regulars. Or the madcap quality of the movie, more resembling a Saturday morning Bugs Bunny Looney Tune than the gorgeous scenery of "Up." "Meatballs" seeks to be nothing more than a cartoon, and it's a funny one at that.

And I've seen it approximately 100 times. Give or take.

There's the great gag with the walking TV that pops up in odd places. Or Steve the Monkey who nearly steals the movie when battling gummy bears. Or the expanding town mayor. Or the walking commercial that is Baby Brent.

And it manages to question the "bigger/more is better" ethos of our culture. A meditation on fathers and sons, greed and excess, love of fame or renown vs. love itself.

Sigh. I've watched this too many times. But, all things considered as I sit next to my three-year old son and he giggles as he exclaims, "look daddy, the lady gets knocked down by a banana...doink!" - this aint so bad.

I liked the ratbirds, too.

Reeee-loading, an apologist speaks

This is, thus far, the single most painful blog I've written.

I am not a Sarah Palin fan. I find her anti-intellectual "you betcha" brand of American pie stale and somewhat silly. The entire consonant-dropping good ole' gal stuff might have its' place on an entertainment or cookin' show, but when it comes down to it I prefer someone who presents him or herself professionally. Just my preference. I want the smartest people in the room running the show.

Lots of folks out there like her very much. If you don't know this you're clearly retarded.

Oh, wait, she has a well-displayed child with Down's syndrome, and is against the use of the word as a derogation of her son. Apologies. [as an aside, I'm 38. I used the word "retard" over and over again and never thought anything of it until later in life, when I learned words can hurt. Learning....it's not a 4-letter word...pass it on]

So Mrs. Palin is much-maligned in today's news for something she posted on her online something-or-other (facebook or twitter, I forget and I'm not looking it up) encouraging like-minded citizens not to give up the fight, but to "reload."

Much -as you probably know- has been made of this.

It....um...it......huh....well, y'see....it's unfair and stupid. Cough....there, I said it. I knew precisely what she intended in her post, and it wasn't referencing the loading of an actual weapon to be fired upon any human being. I hope......I want to believe, I should say, that anyone who read the words understood it in a similar way. Yet, somewhat inexplicably, this is not the case.

Words have plain meanings and figurative ones. While it is true that her choice of words in this case could be interpreted in a manner that suggest violence against her political opponents, I think that's reading waaay too much into it. She was simply exhorting her fans to continue the "fight" against their perceived antagonists in D.C. No, I don't agree with her at all, but it's her right - and the right of her apostles - to protest and vote in any peaceful manner they see fit.

Yes, she should've known better than to have issued a public statement like this. The very air around us crackles with partisan rancor on both sides. Yet, if she were to do edit herself better, then perhaps a little of what makes her "her" dies. This is what she is. You can't expect her to be more. Accept this.

If I'm incorrect in my assumptions, and she was in fact attempting to start a riotous armed movement against our elected officials, well folks - inciting a riot or other armed uprising's an illegal form of speech, regardless of which side of politics you favor.

But, other than that, it's America, ya crybabies, live with that.

On a somewhat related point, I'd like to see her TV show be a big success and a hit. Alaska is supposed to be a gorgeous piece of real-estate (except for the bears and mosquitoes) and anything she can do to help her fellow Alaskans out is admirable. It'd be like building a bridge to ...somewhere.

You betcha

Talkin' health care....

Don't you wish I wasn't?

Sunday, as we all are painfully aware, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a big bill purporting to reform the country's health care crisis. I am not well-versed on every word of this bill, and I will not pretend to be. I know that it seeks to cover more people than the current "system" that existed prior to its' passing. I know it raises taxes on people earning more money than I make (USA Today said yesterday that a single wage-earner who made $200,000 would see his taxes increase $450 annually).

More than anything, I know alot of my fellow citizens are unhappy about it. Some wanted NONE of this, others wanted MORE than this.

My position is this: we all need to take a moment to catch our collective breath.

Seriously. People talk at me about what we can't do. We can't fix healthcare. We can't do this, we can't do that. What country are we talking about, here?

Are we the U.S.S.R? Are we France? Luxembourg? Vietnam?

Who defeated the Kaiser in 1918?

Who stomped the f&%*ing Nazis, Japanese, and (OK, laugh) Italians by 1945?

Who beat the Soviets at their little world domination game?

Who saved Kuwait from invasion, death, and subjugation?

Quit telling us what we can't do.

When business practices were viewed by President Theodore Roosevelt as ethically wrong and damaging, we found the will to change those practices. When his cousin proposed the New Deal legislation, we found the will to change. When LBJ and Congress passed the Great Society legislation, we found a way. This was not done without pain, and (as now) several states filed suit in Court to try and opt out. Good luck with that, by the way, history is not on your side, there.

Turning back the clock, now, is not an option. Changes to civil rights have - very slowly - shown that some of us were on the wrong side of history in 1965. Right now, there's no way to tell if this will indeed work or not.

Take a deep breath. This, too, can be figured out. This is not to suggest that the changes will be easy, or painless. Some of our countrymen will benefit and some will feel the pinch. But, dammit, we're the United States of America - we should be able to do anything better than anywhere else in the world, including the operation of a healthcare system.

Yes, I lean left. I won't apologize for that but I am no partisan. I am by no means certain that this "fix" is affordable or that it does what it purports to do in the best way possible. More likely than not, it will need to be experimented with, tweaked and "fixed" as we go along. As the politicians keep telling us, we're innovative and experimental. Things get changed as we go along - which is the point of being able to amend our governing Constitution.

I hope this scheme works to benefit people and does what those who passed it say it will. I know, however, that our politicians are salesmen at heart and are interested in forwarding themselves and their accomplishments more than they're interested in helping people. They sell us themselves, every day it seems, on an endless number of television news programs. In fairness to historical facts, though, I don't recall any Republican bill being proffered as a fix. They had the presidency from 1980 to 1994 and 2000 to 2008, as well as Congress from 1994 to 2006. I recall no proposed healthcare fix, and can infer from this that the Republicans were not interested in the issue.

Our family pays plenty in taxes, I see just how much every two weeks. And yes, I'd love to have that money in my wallet instead of in our government's coffers. Feeding these growing kids would be easier; vacationing would be easier; hell - things might be more fun. But I don't mind so much if the money they take out of that paycheck really does help people.

Let's hope they haven't sold us junk, this time. If they have, remain optimistic. We're the friggin' USA.

We'll figure it out.

Weaknesses and other peanut butters

So I've resolved to eschew sweets during Lent. Good idea, right? They tell us that Lent isn't about just giving up stuff like candy or swearing or something like that, it's also a time for self-improvement.

Well, I like sweets, so that seemed like a good place to start.

Like anyone reading this, I have my weaknesses. Some are obvious: I like to eat. You can see this when you meet me. I'm not unhealthy, but I carry a bit of extra weight. Others, you can't see. For example, I don't do well alone. Whenever I have been alone or felt like I was, I've made some pretty poor decisions. A good friend of mine has always reminded me of my manic self-imposed requirement that I always have a girlfriend. What can I say? I like the company of a lady. But, he had a point, it aint always a good thing.

Anyway, even though that's a biggie I'm sure, I'm more cognizant of my love of food. Especially sweets. Above all, I think, peanut butter takes the prize. I'm happy as a pig in sh&t if I have a jar of Skippy Chunky and a jar of Smuckers. I'll happily take one spoon and scoop out a little PB and a little J, put em together and inhale. No bread. It's like a binge - I have no idea how many calories I've consumed nor do I count how many times I dip my spoon. Some time later I'll find myself sprawled on the couch and twitching involuntarily with jelly smeared on my shirt and two empty jars.

Why? I'd love to blame my dad. For holidays I give him a large jar of peanut butter. And, yes, he showed me this trick - but only with the Skippy, not the Smuckers. That was my caloric addition to this disgusting habit (what's next? Will my sons add a stick of butter to this baccanal?)

I dig on the Cheetos and Fruity Pebbles, Ben & Jerry's, pancakes, Krispy Kreme donuts (hot), milkshakes and sundaes. Oatmeal Raisin cookies. Snickerdoodles and shortbread (Oh, God, the shortbread with icing...).

Again, Why? I'm not a total buffoon. I get it. Eat less and I'll weigh less. I go to a gym on a near-daily basis. I play ice hockey. I should know better, right?

I'm looking back at you with a blank stare. I have no earthly idea. Pass me a spoon.

Big Ole' Ben and his big ole'.....

Over the past few days the news had broken that Pittsburgh and Ohio's favorite active QB is in a bit o' trouble (I'm dropping consonants today in solidarity with Sarah Palin and in honor of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day. In one case it's evidence of the dumbin' down of civil discourse and in the other, well - you drop consonants when you're hammered). Seems that Big Ben was a-travellin' in Georgia (why?) and was ropin' some fillies (in the strictest biblical sense a' course) or was just hanging out with his entourage (who is he? Eddie Murphy? Diddy? Does he need a posse?) and something bad might've happened. Or not. The story, as Obi-Wan said in "Jedi", depends on your point of view.

Me? I wasn't there. So I have nothing to add. It's probably been said by Steeler-haters (I am not one of you!) but not by me: "Where there's smoke, there's fire." I'd qualify this and say that there "could" be fire. There could also be more smoke. Look, here's the thing: like all pro athletes there are ladies (loosely using the term) who throw themselves at fame. Not the person, just the status. And there are athletes who probably love it, and some who shun it. But, for this guy, two allegations in 8 months makes you wonder.

I want to see T.O. play with Chad Ochocinco Johnson, and turn the Bengals into a sideshow. Make Marvin Lewis a nominal coach and let the inmates run the asylum.

As a Redskin fan, I don't know how to react. Free agency began nearly 5 days ago and.....nothing. No new multi-multi-multi-millionaire. No new jerseys to buy. Nothing. Dan Snyder has now made his team the laughingstock of the offseason, too. Dammit. At least we had the dream year, where the Skins got Brandon Lloyd and Adam Archuleta. Ah, the scent of success. Remember, please, the wisdom of Curly: "If at first ya don't succeed, keep on suckin' till you do succeed!"

Lindsay Lohan and I hate the baby ads for E-trade. Just wanted to post that. Talk amongst yourselves.

"Milk-a-what?"

See? Not funny.

Did you know that China is considering legislation to outlaw the use of dogs and cats for food? True story, saw it on CNN this morning (3/9/10). Apparently, there are grocery stores that sell them. They're also served in restaurants "cooked up in just about any manner you can think of." Wow!

"Um, excuse me, waiter? This burger is ruff."

Sorry.

"This bisque is purr-fect."

I'll stop.

On Fox, this morning, they were "talking" about health-care reform. Fear-mongering is more like the truth. Are you like me? Would you rather hear about how dog tastes a little like pork?

...so it goes.....

ER visits and fun goings-on

So I spent half of Monday in a hospital emergency room. Yipp. Effing. Ee.

For the past couple years our son has been suffering from sporadic and unexplained asthma attacks. We've recently broken down and had him tested for allergies, after several late-night trips to a few hospitals. Of course, the allergy testing was big on the pain and small on results. Oh, sure, he was found to have some dust and mold allergies, and a strong reaction to tobacco, but otherwise things were unremarkable.

So Sunday he starts hacking and coughing so dramatically that it sets off the little guy's gag reflex. Cleanup on aisle 7! We tried cough medicine, some cold medicine, Motrin....to the effect of allowing us to watch the USA-Canada gold medal game - and that was (in Raymond Carver's words) "a small, good thing".

Some game, huh? I digress from the kid to mention how great a game that was, although the team I was pulling for came up short. Two teams loaded with professional players - NONE of whom were playing for paydays. Hurling their bodies into potentially dangerous positions and going full-tilt. This is why Olympic hockey (in its' present form) trounces all other professional team sports. [For the record, I think the college games come close (ie-basketball, football, etc)] There's no pay. The guys play for prestige, for their country, at tremendous risk to their careers and livelihoods. Injuries lurk behind every play, every blocked shot, every collision. No other sport offers the spectacle that we, the viewing public, were treated to on Sunday. Oh, and it sucks to see Sidney Crosby win a Cup and a Gold in about 8 months. In truth, of course, if he was wearing my team's sweater I'd probably love the guy.

If you missed it, you're un-American.

Moving on, we spent Sunday evening listening to the kid hack and cough. We have a home nebulizer and tried that. By Monday morning at 5 a.m. it was apparent that nothing was working, so up the road we went. The nurses couldn't have been more helpful. But, watching your kid hooked up to hospital apparatuses and sitting on the big hospital bed looking so small...well, as a parent, taking your child to a hospital is probably one of the scariest experiences you can have.

Then there was the test for RSV. That was an exercise in sadism, as I was enlisted to hold him down while they completed the "test". It took three adults to hold down one 3 yr. old (he's stronger than he looks). Then - for all intents and purposes - snaked out his nose like a drainpipe. I noticed blood on the clear plastic tube as the nurse extracted it. It was awful.

The good news is that they found out he did have the RSV virus (giving a name to his pain) and he responded to treatment, despite coming very close to being admitted to the hospital for a stay. Yeah, try keeping a three-year-old bundle of steroid-laden energy confined to a small room. Once they'd pumped him full of the 'roids he was kinetic energy in the flesh, a human bouncy-ball.

That was fun.

It was great to see him back to his old self, but would it be unethical to shoot him up with some tranquilizers so we could sleep? Just for an hour?

Apparently, that's unethical. So we must all be tired. I'm saving the last bullet for myself.