Gee, I'm doing great with this....

In the December 20th issue of Sports Illustrated Steve Rushin wrote an article about a company called Statsheet, that "operates 345 college basketball websites" and publishes "game stories." Game stories- you know what I mean, like: "Last night the New Jersey Nets tipped off against the Buffalo Sabres....and so-and-so had a triple-double and (this Bozo) netted a hat-trick in front of a crowd of 30,000 breathlessly heaving yaks."

Apparently, this outfit's game stories are all promulgated by a computer program. That's right, the machines are coming. I saw the first couple Terminator movies (in fact, I've seen 'em all, which is a damned shame and complete waste of about 8 hours of my life), and I know that the machines - in the final analysis - don't like us humans that much.

Sadly, there's no program for blogs like mine. If so, it'd read something like: "Hi, I'm a stay-at-home-dad of 4 and today I woke up and ate my breakfast and did many other mundane and uninteresting things just like almost all of the rest of you who are reading this."

Well, hell, that practically writes itself!

The unfortunate side-effect of the nonexistence of the aforementioned program is that I've got to fill this thing in myself - simply because no one else will. And I've not really had the time or inclination.

Why?

Snow. The dreaded four-letter word is snow. It means days off from school. It means I've been pretty much cooped up with my kids since.....oh.....January 14th or 15th. Yeah. That's about correct, today being the 31st means it's been 16 straight days in the thrall of living most of every single day with at least one child to entertain, correct, and not murder yet.

What's that you say? Sledding? Yup, did that. "It's cold outside, dad." TV? "There nothing on." All those stupid video games? "Meh. I want new ones."

OR .....

"He won't play what I want!" "She hit me!" "I hate that show, change the channel!" "DAAAA-aaaaaaaaaaDDDDDDD!!!!"

The worst question that I hear in this house is not really a question at all, it's simply the word "dad" posed as a one-word question. "Dad?" "Da---aaaad?" Hear the word and tremble.

And they always always ALWAYS do this when I'm trying to use the bathroom. Never fails. Ever.

Or blogging, like now. As this is not a visual medium, I can't illustrate this properly. But - as I'm typing these very words - a 4-yr old is perched on the table like a tabby cat asking to type out his own name into this blog.......as I tend to be either overly strict or overly indulgent (never a happy medium, I'm a mix of Irish and Italian so I vascillate wildly and thus age those around me terribly), here's Jack in his own letters: jack wopertyo[tp]pyi[u8.

Wasn't that great? It took about 60 seconds. And now he's talking about what a great job he did. Who am I to argue with the child who just "killed Iron Man?"

I have gotten to see some movies though. "The Other Guys" was stupid, Will Ferrell --- meh. "Revolutionary Road" was well-done but depressing as all hell. "The Kids are Alright" got a ton of press last summer as a comedy that rang true, but I don't recall finding many laughs in it. Good movie, but not a laugh-riot. "Black Swan" was a good flick to watch, and Natalie Portman should get an Oscar for her role.

All of these movies have been my escape from Kid-World into Grown-up world. It's hard to explain to working folks - who mostly seem to think that those of us who stay-at-home live on the easiest of streets.....but it's tough to immerse myself into Kid-World and be really happy about it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that my kids enjoy the latest cartoon movie or game or TV show - whatever it is. But I look forward to those moments when I can leave the adventures of Spongebob (a sometimes funny show) or Thomas the Tank Engine (ugh) for things of a more intellectual or "grownup" nature.

There's books, too. I finished Keith Richards' "Life", and don't really recommend it much. It's OK, not anything earth-shattering. Working on "Cleopatra" and "The Emperor of all Maladies" simultaneously, but finding quiet moments around here to read hasn't been easy, lately.

Leaving all that aside, it was fun to see my 4 kids digging through the pile of cartoon DVDs and pulling out "Ren and Stimpy" last week. 5 of us laughed, and 1 of us (she shall remain nameless yet she is nearly 40 and sometimes a stick-in-the-mud about cartoons like "Ren & Stimpy") criticized the rest of us for laughing with a shake of the head. Sorry, they're all eediots like their dad.

Lots of things

So, the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers made it to this year's Super Bowl. My immediate reaction is...."meh." It'll change, I know from my own history - where I sat down and watched San Francisco play Cincinnati a couple times, or other (to my ears and eyes) dull matchups we've gotten in The Big Game from time to time.

Glad to see Aaron Rodgers make it. He's had a long road from Cal to this point, replacing a legend in the process. Remember how the Packers were ridiculed for even considering putting Rodgers in for Favre? Well, who's laughing now? And, conversely, who's sending dirty pictures to young ladies? I know, it's old, and not like he's doing it right now....or is he? Green Bay's a great story, in and of itself, the legendary Little Town That Could. Owns its' own team. Sells out in good years and bad. Operated by men of apparent football acumen and intellect.

Similarly, Pittsburgh's a great football town. I have relatives there, they've always loved their Steelers. And, for years, those Steeler teams deserved the high praise for being the epitome of what's best in the city's people. Hardworking. Loyal. Fearless. Of course, the sheer amount of titles they won over the years have helped swell the ranks of Steeler fans - but that always happens (right, Yankee fans?). The Steelers have been good to great since the early 1990's, which is a testament to the football acumen and intellect of the coaches and front office folks who pick their players. The fans sell out every game, seldom leave early, and pull for 'em when they're good or bad. They don't show the lowly Pirates quite the same love, though - but we're talking football here.

Every silver lining has it's touch of grey, and I can't see why The Rapist gets a pass. His past rotten behavior is widely reported and - given the type of behavior we're talking about here --- I'm betting that's only scratching the surface. We all hear stories of athletes and their sense of entitlement, their misdeeds, and their conquests, and there are probably thousands of similar stories relating to hundreds of different professional athletes. [Mike Vick, Ray Lewis, Plax Burress, the list goes ever onward] But, all that aside, Ben's transgressions were discovered this time - he didn't get away with it, at least not scot-free. I wouldn't want any of my kids parading around in a #7 Steeler jersey (go for a Polamalu), and I'll bet there are alot of parents who feel the same way.

I hope he's changed his life. I just can't see how he deserves to be in such a plum spot at this point in his life. And I don't like all of the apologists claiming that it's just so much old news. If it were your daughter, you wouldn't be in such a hurry to forgive and forget.

Karma's a bitch, perhaps his wheel's almost finished spinning around.

Getting back to the upcoming game, it should be a good matchup. Two great defenses. The Packer offense can be really great, but sometimes can really lay an egg. I'm guessing Pittsburgh's defense carries the day, and that the Steeler offense finds the end zone just enough to win this one. Won't be easy.

--------------------------------------------

So much to do, and never enough time. I think I've been spending 4 of 7 days a week at various ice rinks either coaching or playing hockey. My son scored his first goal yesterday, and had an assist and penalty to go along with that - a kid's version of the Gordie Howe hat-trick. Pretty cool. In all my years of playing, I've never been so jacked up as I was when I saw my kid have a little on-ice success. Being the coach, however, I had to bring the team down to Earth and remind them immediately after the big 8-0 win that they all needed a lot more practice. What a killjoy. But I am the coach, after all.

What if this is as good as it gets?

That's all there is

That's all, folks.

In all of professional sports, there's 1 winner. That's it. No co-championships, or shared accolades. About 7pm last night, the 28th losing team was whacked from the slate.

And, oddly enough, it was my New England Patriots.

Well, like I've always said, I like the Pats - even love 'em - but I don't bleed their colors. When they're lousy, and they were for most of my life, they were loveably bad. When good, they were great.

There are no bonus points in Atlanta and Boston this morning for having great regular season records. No one cares. The Jets, Steelers, Packers, and Bears have survived the Hobbesian nightmare that is the NFL postseason. Life there is nasty, brutish, and short...."one and done" as the saying goes.

Y'all saw the game, right? The Jets pummeled the Patriot offensive line and made Pretty Brady dance a little in the pocket. The Tom Terrific of 2002-5 is, perhaps, as gone as the 49ers Joe Cool. Brady doesn't seem to want to risk hurting that 6 ft 2 in frame of his, doesn't seem as fearless. And, hence, not as committed to his team. Why would he? He's got a hell of a life going for him. But I'll remind you that once upon a time he was a scrapper.

Not all of it was his fault, the Jets exposed his o-line and in doing so exposed the short-passing game these Pats relied upon to score all of those points. The young Pats D was exposed, a little, in crucial moments the young bucks made critical mistakes. The Jets get all the credit for whipping the Patriots. Simple as that.

These Pats remind me, a bit, of the old 49er teams. Cool Joe (an undervalued draft pick in '80 or '81, I think) won 2 quick titles in 1981 and 1984. But after the '84 title they lost in subsequent years to NFC East beasts like the NY Giants, Washington Redskins, and the NFC Central Bears. Those teams were built on physical play and intimidation. The 49ers adjusted their personnel to this new reality, and by 1990 they were a similarly-situated team. Perhaps these Patriots need to adjust. (Here's an idea for an East Coast team.....a reliable running game).

As you might guess, I'm a Red Sox guy. This serves me well on morning like this, where disappointment is the watchword. It's cool, my teams lose sometimes. There's always next year. The breathless "sports news" coverage - if you get sucked into it- can make it feel like "this win" or "this loss" is the most important thing going on in the world. Yet by August of 2011 most of us will have trouble recalling who won the Super Bowl. It's all very transitory, almost disposable, consumer-based madness.

I was also a little shocked to see the Ravens sh*t the bed in Pittsburgh, but they're a good organization so I bet they're back in the playoffs next year. The Bears get the boobie prize and have to play the Packers again. I'm pulling for a Packers-Steelers showdown in three weeks, hope I'm right.

Here we go....

I'm grateful for the upcoming weekend's slate of NFL games, as it will disperse the general air of gentle melancholia around here after I booted one of our dogs. Ah, distractions. Don't laugh, it works. It's a lousy (if not awful) analogy, but in '88 after my grandfather died the Redskins' playoff run and ultimate Super Bowl win took my mind away from my loss, if just for a little while.

A lousy analogy, I know. The dog's not going to die anytime soon, he's getting a new home is all.

There's some great hockey this weekend, too, starting tonight with Washington/Vancouver and there's Bruins/Penguins tomorrow.

Crap. If I think about it, that's waaaay to much sittin' round on my ass for a weekend - and I'm already fatter than I wanna be right now. Maybe I'll only eat lettuce all weekend. Right. And maybe a monkey will fly outta my butt, too.

I'm on--record- repeatedly- as having two football teams I pull for. My 2nd wife made it into the playoffs, so I get to be all patriotic and stuff.

If you love the Pats you loathe the Jets. Even in seasons where the Jets have sucked royally it's still joyful to see the Pats trounce 'em 41-0 in the Meadowlands or in old Shea Stadium. Screw 'em. They suck. The Mo Lewis hit on Drew Bledsoe (which launched a certain Mr. Too-Pretty to stardom, thanks Mo), the Parcells thing, Belichick and Spygate, now Rex Ryan's endlessly-gaping maw (have a snack and shut the hell up...oh, by the way, how's your wife's sexy feet??). There is no love. I'd argue that this rivalry is more bitter and angry than others, like the much-ballyhooed 'Skins/Cowboy rivalry, in that the organizations have competed (angrily) on the field, in the front offices, and between the owner's boxes.

So I will of course pick the Patriots to win this game. But it won't be like the drubbing about a month ago. Ryan will have his team prepared and this game will be closer than I'll want it to be.

The other rivalry game is the Ravens/Steelers matchup in Pittsburgh. [What a great weekend, right? 3 of the 4 best-operated NFL teams in contention in the AFC playoffs (I don't count the Jets), and the NFC's Packers and Falcons appear to be close]

I expect hard-hitting, chest-thumping, and trash-talking. [lots of abused hyphens in my blogs, it's demonstrative laziness]. It's everything I love (the hits and the intensity) and hate (the muscle flexing and other bullshit) about NFL football. Seriously, if I wanted to see grown men flex every 25 seconds I'd switch to WWE wrestling [the Redskins are as guilty as any other team of this ...I'm abusing bracket today, too, and commas....apostrophe''''''s.....]

Tough to pick against the Rapist and his merry band at home. But his o-line has been shaky and they're not gonna run on the Ravens. I think Baltimore squeaks this one out, I really do.

Seahawks - Bears: I love to pick the underdogs. This Seattle team went to Soldier Field and whooped the Bears in October. Then they lost 7 straight games. Seattle never wins on the road in the playoffs, look it up, it's a rarity. It'll be cold, though, and that cold will make Matt Hasselbeck feel those old bones creak, unlike last week's gleeful (really, that was awesome) spin of the Wayback Machine. With the cold temps, I'm thinking Bears in a defensive game.

Lastly, the Falcons-Packers matchup. I think this one is- perhaps- the obscured gem of the weekend. Both are up-and-coming organizations that appear to be modeling themselves after New England, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore (smart drafting, value-added free agents) and both have bona-fide NFL QBs. Atlanta's defense pales compared to the Packers' ferocious rush (they pushed Pretty Brady to the edge a few weeks ago) and I'm betting that they're gonna do the same to Atlanta. Not this year, Falcons fans (are there any Falcons fans? If I'm wrong and they go to the NFC Championship game, I bet there's a bunch of new ones). Atlanta has beaten Baltimore at home this season, played Pittsburgh to OT, and will be a tough opponent for anyone. Close game, betting Packers.

Is it gay to eat sushi and watch football? Just askin'.

Farewell, old enemy

Until about 10am this morning, we had two dogs. The little beagle (above, right) was moved on to what I hope will be his new adoptive home.

I know, you dog lovers out there will label me a hater and a monster and all around bad guy. Thing is, I liked him too. And hated him. Which, means, I guess, that I loved the little jerk.

A bit of background? Why not?

We bought Roscoe (his name) from a crusty old farmer in Western Maryland, up around Cumberland. He was born in something that resembled a chicken coop, with about 6 other pups. By the time we showed up there were only two left, him and his sister (who was sweet but looked very sick, no thanks). All beagle pups are cute, little tri-colored things, he pretty much sold himself.

No, I never wanted a beagle. I know the breed from childhood, some neighbors had one who howled and howled - you could hear Billy the beagle about 1/4 mile away, all day and night sometimes (mostly because his owners stuck the poor thing in the back corner of their yard and ignored it).

We got him anyway. And he was cute. But the breed is tough to potty train, and Roscoe was no exception. I think he peed on every square inch of our home. I'll never forget the day he jumped on my bed and let loose. The bastard. Or his snoring. We tried letting him sleep with us at night and he'd sound like a blast furnace roaring all night. I believe I one threw him across the room like a shot-put since I couldn't sleep what with his noise.

Oh, and he was messy. I found him eating diapers one more. Dirty ones. I swear. And his own poop. Yup. He ripped open a sofa. Piddled on two others (thank you, Bissell).

And untrainable. We started him on a run, he was tangled 7 times a day. The neighbors called him "Houndini" for his ability to break from the run and then inevitably tangle himself upon a tree or shrub. The Invisible Fence solved his escapist ways.

And loud. His howling probably annoyed everyone as he'd bay at every dog that passed our house. Didn't matter what time.

And needy. Always jumping when you didn't want him to. Always overly affectionate to the point of wanting to punch him.

I can't ever re-acquire the time spent cleaning up after him or cleaning him or dealing with the disasters he'd leave in his wake. The bastard.

Despite all of those wonderful things, that's not why I had to take him away this morning. A couple years back I sought out an allergist to determine why I was getting so many sinus infections, and learned I was extremely sensitive to dogs. I started the therapy and also had surgery, and I've been getting better since then. But two dogs would still set me off, so we're attempting to downsize the canine presence 'round here to see if it'll help.

Last night we went around the table telling silly Roscoe stories, the legendary day I found him in a briar patch was one. Or the diapers. ewwww.

I guess, at long last, he'd been accepted into the family's story. And even though he's not here anymore he's still always going to be a part of our little story - wherever else it may lead. It was a sad day, I was pretty bummed. I held his little body in my hands in December 2003, and today, I let him go.

He, of course, being what he is, went merrily away with the nice lady who accepted him. Wagging his tail and following his nose to wherever it led him. No doubt, he found something worth eating.

Bye, pal.

Angry gasbags

There's very little I could say to be of any comfort to the folks who've been affected by the Tuscon shooting of Rep. Giffords and the other innocents who were murdered or injured by douchebag Jared Loughner. A terrible day for all involved and the country at large.

Of course, this being a country with several 24/7 "news" outlets and a large punditry class who deliver judgments and wisdom from on high, everyone has heard the political fallout of a distinctly non-political event. A child was murdered, as were five other people (I think it was five). Go ahead, try and convince me that was politically motivated. If one wants to argue semantics, there's a world of difference between the terms "assassination" and "shooting rampage." Clearly, this creep was the latter, and not the former. As a country I understand the desire to "define" his motives and to associate them with something larger, but perhaps he was indeed just a nutcase. Time and trial will tell, on that count.

We had a particularly angry election last November. Arizona was a flashpoint for disagreement on the issues of illegal immigration and (for Rep. Giffords) healthcare reform. There was much talk of "freedom dying" as a result of the healthcare bill, for example.

We seem to love the use of hyperbole these days.

Mrs. Palin, at some point, decided it was a good idea to post an electoral map that contained rifle sights over Rep. Gifford's district. Sharon Angle decided to refer to something called "2nd amendment remedies". I'm guessing that both individuals would like to be able to take those words and actions back today. NOT because, in either case, the words directly incited this criminal act, BUT simply because of how those words appear in light of these events.

Neither extreme of American politics has clean hands. In the early 1900's, leftist nutjobs assassinated or attempted to assassinate Pres. Garfield and Pres. McKinley. Recall the Black Panthers, and the fear that organization instilled in white America. Or the Pattie Hearst kidnappers. On the right, we have Timothy McVeigh in Oklahoma City.

Now, leave those examples behind us, and consider how people in this country have behaved, and are behaving right this minute. Liberals branded Pres. George W. Bush a traitor over the Iraq invasion. They demonized VP Cheney and Sec. of Defense Rumsfeld. Conservatives, after 9-11, branded liberals as "weak" on homeland security, essentially calling them Chamberlain-esque "appeasers." Pres. Obama has also been labelled many less-than-flattering things. In every case, hyperbole trumped truth and bullshit trumped any substance.

Politicians are creatures of opportunity. I think we all know this. It is distasteful to see Democratic politicians try to use this event to push an agenda or bury someone they oppose (like Mrs. Palin). It is likewise ludicrous to attempt to defend her PAC website's "map" as a collection of survey signs, or to announce that Ms. Angle's statement could not possibly have been misconstrued.

We're taught at a young age that words don't hurt, but they can and do. For a person of national prominence who inflames the passions of the people, those words can sometimes be twisted into actions the speakers do not intend. This is why the people who take public office usually speak carefully, because when you say something you're then and forever after responsible for what you've said. And stuck with the consequences, however unfair that may be.

Hypothetically speaking, if a black man had attempted to assassinate a Tea Party figure, would any of you reading this be surprised to see a political "spin?"

There is ZERO evidence that the political babble spouting from Fox "News" or CNN or the unwatchable and overtly-liberal MSNBC or the legions of talk-show hosts (or the aforementioned well-reported examples I've already cited) inspired douchebag Jared Loughner to undertake his evil deeds. People are attempting to draw a line between the angry and vitriolic political rhetoric and his act. That line, as of right now, does not exist.

But the angry and vitriolic rhetoric is very real, and in my opinion it's (at the very least) not constructive to dialogue. It's simply two sides yelling at each other about....everything. It's like the North-Going Zax and the South-Going Zax from the Dr. Seuss story, each puffing its' chest out with pride and stating that - if you're FOR it, I'm AGAINST it. And who truly loses in this scenario?

The rhetoric does have consequences. It coarsens us, makes us angry at each other, and exploits. Anger is not a healthy emotion, not individually and not in a group. Violent rhetoric or using military-esque terms to illustrate AN ELECTION could, conceivably, inspire the lunatics out there. Politicians should be aware of this concept, even if they are not sensitive to it.

I think Sheriff Dupnik of Pima County said it best, "that may be free speech, but it's not without consequences."

Argh! Ugh! Dammit

This happens every year. I'm 39, I should know better by now.

Every January the first payday of the month arrives and I spend a time-certain reacting poorly to the bacchanal of December. This year, we tried very hard to spend only cash on the holiday. To a large extent, we did really well.

Of course, I'm writing this in a pessimistic manner, which means we didn't do as well as I'd have liked.

We set a dollar amount on what we'd spend for the 4 kids, and tried very hard to stick to it. Unfortunately for my plan, the last payday of 2010 arrived on Christmas Eve and we were "forced" to wait till then to go shopping. Several items were purchased on impulse - the malls must know this. I think we ran up about an extra $200 on credit cards, which is far better than past years.

I wanted $0, so - as the kids say - FAIL.

Even worse, the wife and I had agreed not to exchange Xmas gifts at all, to save the cash and enjoy each other's company instead of mere things. Well, I violated the deal to the tune of another couple hundred bucks. Nothing extravagant, and I paid for nearly all of it with cash I'd hoarded from my part-time job.....

She adhered to the deal, for the most part, and gave me a book she knew I'd like. You see where this is going.

But still, that was OK, financially speaking. The real pain showed up when we returned to the mall on December 31st and we ran up another couple hundred in credit. Oh, I simply must take advantage of the sale-priced Ovechkin Winter Classic jersey! Too good to pass up, right? I saved a good chunk of dough, but I didn't need it. (and, oh by the way, no returns on jerseys). At least they won. I guess it could be considered a late, extra Xmas gift from her (she, who makes all of the money that ends up getting paid out to creditors).

And so, like every other year, that's how we end up in the January pickle. At least we did pretty well with the kids. In past years, we'd gotten them far too many things. Things you'd find trashed two days after Xmas, or by June they're forgotten.

So it's January 7th, the excess is over. We've cleaned up and packed away all of the decorations and the house seems so much more sterile and boring without all that holly-jolly stuff jazzing it up. I suppose that's true for everyone, the temperature's still around 20-30 degrees out and the Xmas stuff goes away and we all settle in for the long, cold winter. Blah.

The added bonus comes when I jumped on the scale yesterday and accounted for all of the cookies and junk-food I ate. Thank you, butter. You are the great friend of my taste buds, you are the hated enemy of my less-than-disciplined mind.

Whatever. I wanna go sleep till April. Since I can't, I'll just bitch about stuff.

Ever onward, at least there's winter sports. I love ice hockey and I'm looking forward to playoff football (somehow also associated with food) and there are some laughers coming up this weekend. Or will they be shockers, instead?

New Orleans at Seattle: is this the laugher of the weekend? It should be, based on record alone. A losing team manages to win a division title and therefore hosts a playoff game. At least Seattle's owners can enjoy the extra revenue. I can't see the Saints losing this game, unless Matty "I didn't marry Elizabeth" Hasselbeck manages to wind back the clock a few years.

NY Jets at Indy: one of the two great-sounding matchups this weekend. For Patriot fans, one of their hated rivals will be cleared from the slate. If the Colts manage to run the ball against a spotty Jets defense then they could run away with this game, and the Colts are tough at home. That said, if things come together for the Jets it could go the other way. This one's either a blowout or a squeaker. I choose Colts.

Baltimore at KC: the other laugher, at least on paper. How can KC beat the superior Ravens? I can only see KC winning if they're able to run the ball well on Baltimore (good luck) and that sets up a decent play-action passing game that kills the Raven blitzes. All things are possible, but it'd be nothing short of miraculous if KC avoids a blowout loss at home.

Green Bay at Philadelphia: the other great matchup. Packers won this game in September but Philly was starting Mr. Kevin Kolb, not Dog-Killer. Green Bay went toe-to-toe with New England not too long ago, and should be able to do so again versus a less-talented (than the Pats) Philadelphia team who's a bit banged up on defense. Plus, Mr. Vick is also reportedly banged up as well (no, not dogbites). Packers should win, thanks to their excellent defense.

Well, as my dad always says, "how's that making you any money?" Err........

Ke$ha was right, the Rapture approacheth, Douchebags on Capitol Hill

One of our highlights for midnight on New Year's Eve is (nowadays) to watch Dick Clark try and count down to the arrival of the New Year. Yes, I admit this is mean-spirited. My only defense is that the smart folks at ABC keep letting him trot out into this public forum and give him this airtime every year since his unfortunate stroke.

I wish he'd never had his stroke, OK? But, since he did, why's he up there doing the countdown?

So, he's there and he's entertaining. He did much better this year than last, when he left out a number or two - perhaps his condition is improving.

In the midst of this chaos is - in addition to Dick- the vapid Ryan Seacrest and the Very Frighteningly Scary Jenny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy is, I'm guessing, about my age. She's very pretty, but there's something about her big, phosphorescently white choppers on a 52-inch plasma that make me think she resembles a shark about to feast. Yikes! Add that to her rather aggressive chatter about finding a man to kiss and.....idunno, maybe I'm just getting to be an old codger. She's freaky.

Our buddy Ryan, meanwhile, is the Great and Terrible Vulture Who is Waiting for Dick to Kick the Bucket (his official title). All propriety would suggest that Ryan Seacrest not lick his vulture's beak so hungrily and publicly whilst Mr. Clark is still very much alive. But alas, in Hollywood, propriety is for Losers. He wants that New Year's Eve gig for the next 50 seasons.

So, just before kickin' it to Dick, Ryan's standing with some old boy bands and the slutty new "it" gal, Ke$ha (who's resplendent in sunglasses at midnight, blue lipstick and some outfit built for sin, I'm sure). Ke$ha pulls the quote of the night, after Seacrest asks everyone their wishes for the New Year she says "not to be a douchebag". Which was awesome, as she's speaking to America's best-known douchebag.

_______________________

Speaking of douchebags, there's a bunch of them yelling about the dead birds and fish in Louisiana and Arkansas- and how it is yet another signal that the End of Days is here. What's with you Southerners? Is EVERYTHING the wrath of the Most Holy and Most Pissed Off God? Do you not actually read the good book? Or hear the words, "you know not the hour or the day"?

I'm guessing that folks understand the power of fear, and are using it to attract followers. If you're keeping score at home (and I do, sometimes) the signs are: 1) the Iraq war; 2) election of a black man as President; 3) dead birds; and 4) everything else I'm forgetting.

Look, folks, God never wrote a date down. Men did. That's the whole point. And the guys who keep getting this stuff wrong? [1984? 2000? Apparently the Apocalypse is moveable] They're douchebags. Believe 'em if you want, or be cool.

___________________________________

Today there's a big stink in DC about the Reading of the Constitution. Oh, wow! What a watershed moment in America's history. A rather long, dry document will be read out loud to those who care to listen. This apparently energizes the teabaggers, who love the Constitution when it's interpreted in a manner they see fit (to hell with those who see it differently, eh?)

Let me save y'all some trouble, as I had to read it in law school: it's a document that establishes a Federal Government by ennumerating its' powers, describes how we elect politicians (in all forms) and sets up a judiciary to settle our inevitable disputes.

That's it. No manna from heaven. No divine rights. It's almost as exciting as watching paint dry. In fact, paint dries quicker.

I understand the intent, I truly do. But the US Constitution aint the equivalent of Scripture. It was written some 230 years ago by white male, slave-owning farmers. And it was intended to evolve as the country evolved. Which, we all well know, we have evolved.

Presumably, our newly-elected congressmen are familiar with the Constitution already - unless (God forbid) this is an educational tool for them.

So, to these cynical douchebags, let us raise a toast - your drink of choice- may they govern justly and well so that all of us benefit.

End Regular Season.

That used to be the 3 words you'd see on the older "Madden" games when you'd completed the season. Then, duh, playoffs.

I was 10-6 for the week that ended with Seattle's stirring defeat of the Rams. It's funny, you watch those teams last night and you know the Rams will be back on a bigger stage soon. I think Seattle simply got a little lucky that Bradford's receivers had the drops.

I'm thinking my typical run-through of the games is ponderous. My big upset call was the Browns and the Steelers apparently cared about the game - so I was wrong. I was 122-84 for the season (though I'm far far too intellectually lazy to do the math and make sure I'm right about that). As far as I'm concerned, the experiment was a whopping success (and if I missed some games in there, well, how's that count against my record? I simply didn't pick them).

Yes, my Washington Redskins played an average game yesterday against yet-another superior opponent with The Great Rex Grossman under center. Ok, I'll live with it. Somehow, this 6-10 finish has the feel of progress. Unless it's not - we'll find out next year. At least the team didn't simply quit altogether in December. That counts for something.

And my New England Patriots finished with the NFL's President's trophy. At 14-2, I think this Patriot team is superior to the 16-0 team that played 3 years ago. That team was almost all offense, designed (I'm guessing) to run with the Indianapolis Colts. This year, they're a more complete team that resembles their championship teams in 2001, 2003, and 2004. They've got a running game and an improving defense. They're not unbeatable, but I think they've got the red-ass over the 33-14 home-field clubbing the Ravens put on 'em last January.

But, still, all things considered, I wish the Redskins were better. Sigh.

Anyhoo, on to a superior sport: ice hockey.

Y'all see the Winter Classic? As far as I'm concerned (and no one consults me on these important issues) New Year's Day hockey is a great idea. I don't follow college football, for the most part, so January 1st is almost always the melancholy day I take all the Xmas stuff down and pack it up. For the past 4 years, however, I've had this event to distract me from the dreary un-decorating of my home. As some or most of you know, the first one was the snow game in Buffalo, the second was the Wrigley Field game in Chicago, the third was my Bruins in Fenway, and this year's was Heinz Field, Caps vs. Penguins.

I'm already on record with my Penguin-hating here. Can't stand 'em. They're responsible for ending the career of my favorite player, ever. They habitually ended the post-seasons of the Bruins and Capitals throughout the 1980's, 1990's, and 00's. I recognize that Messrs. Lemieux and Jagr were amazingly gifted players (because they're retired, never to haunt my teams again) but I recognize their gifts only through the lens of sports-fan hatred and jealousy. I fart in their general direction.

So, I pulled on the new Caps Winter Classic sweater on Saturday and pulled for the road team. Outdoor hockey looks great on TV (best in Buffalo, with the snow, at least so far) and the rain did little to detract from the visual enjoyment of the game, inasmuch as it didn't blur my picture. [they were very smart to delay it until after dark] But, having played on lousy ice before, you could tell that the wet ice surface was causing the puck to bounce around more. Additionally, a wet ice surface (like, oh - any suburban Maryland ice rink in August) will cause the puck to stop moving as if it were applying its' own brakes - this makes stickhandling a dicey prospect.

[and, any of my hockey brothers out there can insert the joke here, "when does Bob ever stickhandle?"]

The Caps adapted to the conditions by playing simple, boring, dump-and-chase hockey. But that was a stroke of genius that clearly paid off. And, for one night anyway, the Penguin fans in Sh$ttsburgh went home sad. I hate Sidney Crosby, who killed Team USA last year and has his Stanley Cup. I'd hate him less if the Caps win one soon.

If you missed it, you missed a pretty good game. Hell, there's plenty of room on the NHL bandwagon. The game goes from good to amazing when the playoffs begin. For some reality-show fun, check out HBO's 24-7 Caps and Penguins show (I saw the first three episodes on youtube). Worth the 3 hours, really.

And I'd be in remiss without a shout to my brother Bill and his wife, Amanda, who took our kids for most of Saturday and Sunday. Watching the Classic was never so....quiet in my house.

The Final Week

As predicted here, the Winter Classic was INDEED awesome. More on that tomorrow. Today, it's nearly Noon and I've not posted my picks for the final week of the NFL's regular season. I'll be very brief.

Carolina at Atlanta: Falcons want home field, they should win

Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Steelers might not care. Browns

Minnesota at Detroit: Lions, they're a playoff team if they have a healthy QB

Tampa at New Orleans: Tampa will make this a game, but I'm picking the Saints

Buffalo at NY Jets: Jets, by a foot

Cincy at Baltimore: Ravens

Jax at Houston: 2 teams who don't like winning. Jags

NY Giants at Redskins: Redskins will pile on against moribund Blue

Dallas at Philly: Eagles, I think

Arizona at SF: Cards

Chicago at Green Bay: Packers

Tennessee at Indy: Colts need to win

San Diego at Denver: Chargers

St Louis at Seattle: the dreaded NFC West title-winner comes from this game. I'll take the Rams, only because Seattle's QB is not Matt Hasselback today.